Ben Sterling.
From socially anxious nerd to international dating coach. The unfiltered version.
The Kid Who Didn't Fit In
12 years ago, I was unrecognisable.
I find it hilarious when people assume I'm some sort of genetically superior giga-chad who shot out of his mum with a 15-inch d!ck and a 6-pack. And.. they're right. But it was 17 inches.
I kid.
I spent most of my life as a shy nerd with low self-esteem and clinically diagnosed social anxiety. Social environments confused the hell out of me. I spent the majority of my adolescence as the skinniest kid in school.
Due to my tiny size and lack of social awareness, I was an easy target, so I was bullied horrendously. I also developed pretty intense body dysmorphia due to being called ugly by so many of my classmates. Which is why it's so damn hilarious when people insinuate that I "Had it easy."
"What I am is the product of 10 years of self-development. In all facets. Physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually."
If I was to meet with my past self, there's no chance he would recognise me. However, even though there has been a lot of internal and external renovations, I'm still a massive dork. The only difference is, I'm a dork who has a healthy as f*ck dating life.
I'm still far from a complete product, in terms of what I would like to achieve. But so, so far from where I started.
Today I'm going to share my story with you. An unfiltered account of how I went from socially impaired, skinny, low-self esteem nerd to the CEO of the top dating company in Australia. I want to raw-dog your brain with my ridiculous journey. And show you what's possible.
I have always been pretty introverted. My mother used to describe me as a "deep thinker." I was highly imaginative and never really fit in. Just imagine the stereotypical dork from any 90's high school flick. That was me.
My twin brother Josh, however... yes, I have a twin. Non-identical, we look very different. Josh was the most popular kid in school. Imagine the high school football captain, king of the jocks. That was him.
Now... children can be cruel. And myself, as an unusually small and scrawny kid, who was quiet and lacked confidence. I was an easy target.
From a young age, I noticed people always trying to pander to Josh, build rapport and put him on a pedestal. Everyone just followed him. He was a natural leader, but a tyrannical one when we were kids.
Josh bullied me a lot. But it wasn't just Josh bullying me that was the issue. If Josh started picking on you, so did everyone else at school. In primary school, it was an almost daily occurrence of kids calling me names, punching me, or pushing me to the ground for no reason.
I was incredibly jealous of Josh's popularity and social dominance. In particular how much attention he would get from girls. Josh was also very good-looking... as for myself... let's say I peaked after uni. Kids were pretty cruel when pointing out the obvious disparity between us. I was often described as the ugly twin by the girls in the grade.
"Being constantly bombarded with evidence of my lack of value in a social context, I began cultivating a toxic internal dialogue."
Massive victim mentality. I was convinced I was ugly and deep down I felt as if I was a burden, like my presence was an inconvenience to people. No girls liked me. I assumed it was because I was hideous.
This negative internal dialogue manifested itself as submissive behaviours such as becoming socially anxious, quiet, passive, people-pleasing and sensitive to indicators of disrespect, which also made me emotionally reactive. Ironically making me an easier target.
I'm not writing this to prove how good I am at being a victim... I'm not a feminist. I'm expressing where a lot of my internal bullsh!t came from which snowballed into my struggles with women later in life.
From a young age I was always enamoured by girls. I spent the rest of my primary school life being picked on. And frustrated as hell, since I loved girls, but it seemed they were all repulsed by me.
I would fall hopelessly in love with any girl who showed me even the slightest sign of kindness. However, I built a fear around expressing my desires as I would be mercilessly picked on as soon as I showed a girl any interest. Meanwhile every week there was a new girl who was "in love" with my brother.
I remember distinctly when I was 13, I was hopelessly in love with this girl in my grade. Let's call her Shelly. After finally building the courage to tell her I liked her, she thought it would be funny to kick me in the balls. No shit.
Side note, I ended up having sex with that girl 10 years later. Thankfully she'd learned the art of dieting.
You get the picture. I was toxic, with low self-esteem, a people-pleasing, meek, quiet, anxious little kid who felt as if he didn't fit in anywhere. And just wanted to be loved.
First Love, First Lesson
Now lets get to my first girlfriend. Bec. I was 15 at the time. She was in the grade below me. We used to talk on the bus from time to time.
She was a solid 3.5/10, anxious, sweaty with really low self-esteem. We talked for a year before she made the first move on ye ol' MSN messenger. I thought it was a dream. I couldn't believe my luck. Maybe there is a god after all.
Unfortunately, god is a cruel deity.
We ended up dating for 8 months. Talking on the phone every night and hanging out every weekend. For the first time, I was being validated. And it felt damn good.
That was until she began to distance herself from me. At about the 8-month mark, I began noticing her pulling back. She stopped calling me as much and stopped showing me affection at school. I racked my brain trying to figure out if it was something I'd said, something I'd done.
One day I just cracked the shits and stormed up to her after class. I ask her if she wanted to break up. She says "if that's what you want." Zero emotion on her face as she said it. She didn't care.
I spent the rest of the week locked in my room, crying. I soon learned Bec was now dating my best friend. For context, I had been best friends with this guy since I was 5. I then subsequently found out that she had been seeing him for over a month before we broke up.
Betrayed by the two people closest to me in the world.
My confused, emotional 15-year-old brain spiraled into a pretty dark place after that.
After having my best friend steal my beloved away from me I became depressed. I also developed an obsession with my physical appearance. I was convinced that if I was more attractive, this whole situation would never have happened.
I noticed that all the guys who got the most attention from women possessed a single physical trait. Including all the jocks at my school, as well as my brother. They were all jacked.
In my 16-year-old brain, I truly believed I had found the solution. I needed to get ripped. I reasoned that sure, my face is f*cking hideous. But perhaps I can optimise my body, that way there's a chance a girl might like me.
"It's crazy the amount of emotional leverage and motivation the pain from a breakup can give a man."
I was 50kg, 172cm tall, and so skinny that I looked like a holocaust survivor who developed a crack addiction. I began lifting a pair of rusted weights in my backyard every day. I repeated this process for 6 months with literally zero results.
Just before my 17th birthday, my physiotherapist introduced me to his trainer, who luckily for me, was amazing at his craft. He taught me the fundamentals of training, progressive overload, and most importantly, how to diet. I cannot explain how lucky I was to have such a great mentor so early on.
I faced a LOT of backlash at school when I first started training. I was ridiculed heavily. People would often talk sh*t when they saw me drinking a protein shake. I'd always been "that skinny kid." Me being anything different wasn't in anyone's reality. But I would just shut it out. Telling myself "I'll f*cking show them."
"Within a year I went from 49kg to 73kg."
The newbie gains were real. I was meticulous. I never missed a workout, I never missed a meal, and I made sure I was in a calorie surplus every day. And once I started seeing the fruits of my labour I fell in love with bodybuilding.
My depression began to slip into the background. I was for the first time, optimistic about the future. People began to notice the confidence. The bullying almost completely stopped by the time I finished high school.
At this point I was 18 and 80kg. I believed that I now had some sort of social value because of my newly acquired gains, like I could "flex my face away." However, no matter how much muscle I would put on, deep down I still felt undesirable.
I began studying Dietetics at University due to my fascination with how diet can so drastically change how I looked and felt. Due to the newfound confidence around my body, I began to socialise a lot more. I even built a small social circle with my classmates on campus. By the time I was 19 I'd even begun trying to push myself out of my comfort zone regularly.
Three Years of Chaos
That's where I met Ash. She was cute. More importantly, she liked me. And most importantly... she had a fat booty.
We met while we were both living on campus at University. We lived 2 doors down from each other. We started talking one night while I was sitting on my stairs smoking a joint. She came storming out of her house angry after fighting with her mum on the phone. I offered her a puff. There was instant chemistry. Probably because we both had deep self-esteem issues and hated ourselves. A match made in heaven.
She had major abandonment issues which she constantly projected onto me if I showed even the slightest indicator of disinterest. This would culminate in an argument almost every day for the entirety of our 3-year relationship.
I wasn't innocent though. I would stoke her insecurities by slut shaming the absolute f*ck out of her, due to her having had more s*xual experience than me and I was too dumb to understand that I was insecure about my lack of experience. We were co-dependent, literally relying on each other for self-esteem. Most of our time was filled with either studying, fighting, or f*cking.
During the relationship, unbeknown to me, I slowly began isolating myself from my friends. I started to avoid social environments and sunk very deep into my comfort zone.
Not long after our 3-year anniversary, I get the "We need to talk."
I had noticed that over the previous few months, she had begun going on more "girls nights", joined a gym, and our sex life was non-existent. I was too inexperienced to see the warning signs. But that's what we call emotional detachment. She had been slowly breaking up with me in her head over the previous 6 months.
She sat me down and expressed to me that she wanted to end things. I remember vividly how little emotion there was in her eyes.
"It was as if someone had just turned the lights off."
My world was crashing down around me. There was a lump in my throat the size of an elephant. The world was spinning around me like I was stuck in a centrifuge. Yet she didn't shed a single tear.
I began begging her to stay, that we could work things out, that I couldn't live without her. As I plead on my knees, the only detectable emotion on her face was disgust. She expressed that she didn't love me anymore. She wanted to see other people. "But we can still be friends."
I could have thrown up after hearing that. It felt patronising, as if she was offering food scraps to a homeless person. Then she was gone. And once again I was alone in the world.
I spent the next 6 months in a deep depression after the breakup. Scheming of ways I would "win her back." I was convinced she was my soul mate, and I would never find another woman with whom I connected so deeply.
I began having frequent panic attacks. It got so bad that I started to avoid going out in public due to the fear I would have an attack at any moment. I often fantasised about how much easier it would be to just end it all.
It's crazy how irrational we can become when it comes to women. There is no logic to it, only raw, deep, red, pulsing emotion. My brain aggressively ruminated on the pain, almost blinding me.
Everything I Believed Was Wrong
I began to slowly crawl out of my funk at the 6-month mark. The stages of grief are genuine. I had begrudgingly come to accept that she was no longer going to be a part of my life. It was time to start putting myself out there.
At this point I had barely socialised for years, I didn't have many friends and I had clinical social anxiety. There is one habit I never stopped during the relationship or the breakup. Bodybuilding.
I had remained meticulous with my training and diet throughout the entire ordeal because I truly believed, still, that it was the only thing in the world that gave me any value as a man. I was 90kg and lean, in the best shape of my life.
I created a Tinder account. I assumed it shouldn't be too hard, given the shape I was in. I started feverishly swiping. Got a few matches. And even found myself on a couple of dates.
However! Every single date I went on, the girl was... how do I say this lightly... "Not as advertised." Even if it wasn't a complete catfish, they were ALWAYS at least a few points lower in real life than their photos.
Worse than that, no girl wanted to see me again. This rejection hurt. A lot. It was f*cking with my reality because some of these girls were VERY unattractive. I was still convinced that muscle and body fat percentage was the most important metric to success with women. Yet there I am, 9% body fat, being rejected by women who were probably more body fat than women.
"I finally accepted the fact that I had no f*cking idea what women wanted."
This is when I began to realise that my entire paradigm around what women find attractive was wrong. I realised the reason why my muscles made such a huge difference when I first began bodybuilding wasn't necessarily just the muscles, but the confidence I built alongside them.
However, once the confidence was taken away after years of a toxic relationship and a traumatic breakup, all of a sudden I'm being treated like a bad smell again. Once I realised that my view of the world was wrong, I FINALLY accepted the fact that I had no f*cking idea what women wanted.
I began to feel like that kid once more, unlovable and confused. In a moment of quiet desperation, I googled "how do I become more attractive to women." And I was subsequently sucked down the rabbit hole of the dating community.
Down the Rabbit Hole
I dove straight into YouTube. This is where I discovered the ancient art of cold-approach. Discovering that I could just walk up to any stranger, on the street, at a mall, or at uni, literally wherever, start a conversation and potentially turn that into a romantic encounter. It blew my mind.
The fact that success with women wasn't stagnant and based purely on my physical appearance, but a skill that could be learned and improved upon. This freed me. Knowing that I didn't have to stay this way. That I didn't have to continue being rejected by 4's on Tinder.
I began approaching women every day. My first few approaches were... awful. Being swiftly rejected. Developing PTSD with each failed attempt. Taking an hour to build the courage to do it again. Nothing builds your confidence like being told to "f*ck off" by a stranger you just complimented.
However I don't blame them. I was a needy, socially inept, validation-starved weirdo with a toxic mindset who needed to have his ego destroyed. I began to feel pretty defeated and my old belief systems began creeping back in. I started to wonder whether I'd been duped. Maybe it wasn't a skill I could improve upon.
But something told me to keep going.
I believe my experience with bodybuilding really assisted me in these early days. It taught me so much about discipline. I understood the power of making tiny 0.01% changes every day, even if the impact of those actions is not necessarily discernible on a day-to-day basis.
One day while on YouTube I stumbled upon a coach who I felt had really good energy. Let's call him Shane. He was a dating coach from Vienna. I resonated with his content. I ended up binge watching his sh*t all night.
The next day the weirdest coincidence of my life happened to me. As I am aimlessly browsing the cereals at my local grocery store, I look to my right. And there he is. The dating coach I'd been watching all last night. Shane. With his camera crew. He was buying some random vegan sh!t.
Turns out he was going to be living in my city for the next 6 months. He tells me to message him and heads off. I walk home in a daze as to the sheer coincidence I just witnessed.
About 3 weeks later, he calls me about a live boot camp program he's running. I was super interested, until he told me the price. My eyes almost popped out of my head. So like the d!ckhead I was, I declined him.
2 weeks later I see a testimonial on his YouTube channel. Turns out it was the program I'd been invited to. I see the guys having so much fun, chatting to and kissing girls. One of the guys even took a girl home. I convince myself it's because they're better looking than me.
A month goes by and I am feeling dejected. Still barely any noticeable improvements. I was feverishly watching videos on YouTube, joining Facebook groups, learning all of these random theories and contradicting information from a plethora of different coaches. With no real foundation.
I started to think back to the beginning of my journey with bodybuilding. I remembered how I spent 6 months before being coached, lifting weights 6 days a week, with zero results. I was following the same pattern. I admitted to myself that I needed help.
Not long after, Shane asks me to jump on his next program. I agreed immediately, no convincing necessary.
The following weekend was the most intense of my life. I had never been pushed so far out of my comfort zone. Shane put a lot of effort into breaking down my belief systems and giving me a basic structure to follow. For the first time, I didn't feel lost. It was not a magic pill. But it was exactly what I needed.
In the coming months, implementing everything I had learned, I even had my first one-night stand. I was still getting rejected... a lot. But I was improving finally. Once I began to see improvements, I became obsessed.
Not long after Shane left Australia I met my next mentor. Chad. He was what we call a super-natural. He took a liking to me because I was motivated as f*ck.
He was frustrating to go out with, because within a few minutes of entering any venue, Chad would be in the corner of the club making out with a hottie, and I'd be left standing there feeling like a total loser. Or he'd have an entire group of girls just fawning over him, almost like they were in a trance. It was damn impressive, and to me, at the time it looked like witchcraft. But it showed me what was possible.
I also began to realise how much of what is taught on the internet is absolute bullsh*t. I would watch Chad break what I thought to be fundamental laws of attraction, and it would make girls like him even MORE. By sheer osmosis, I began to improve as well.
By the end of the year, I had become reasonably proficient. Consistent with getting numbers, going on a lot of dates, and even having a decent amount of "intimate" experiences. And most importantly, my confidence had improved 10 fold.
I completed my dietetics degree in early 2018. I had always planned on going travelling after completing my degree. And given I was now obsessed with living out my wildest fantasies, I decided I would master my dating life at the same time.
"My life is a movie, I'm the main character, director, and producer. Let's make it a f*cking blockbuster."
Not long before flying out, I met Mr Alex King. I met him through the same community where I'd met Chad a year earlier. Alex was this shy, pale, skinny, bug-eyed kid. But f*ck he took some action. We bonded over the fact he had come to the community after a traumatic breakup. Just like myself.
Then before I knew it, I was in Europe. I spent the next 8 months travelling, obsessively going out 7 nights a week. I had SO many insane experiences and connected with so many beautiful humans.
The Adventure
8 months into my journey I was forced to return home after my dad became gravely ill. That was an emotional 24 hours of flying, wondering whether I'll ever see my dad again. Once I landed I learned that dad had made a spontaneous recovery while I was in the air. I cannot describe my relief.
Back in Brisbane, one particular night I was out and ran into Alex King. He was holding hands with an absolute stunner. It looked wrong because he was such a dweeby-looking dude. And she was WAY out of his league.
But I wasn't hallucinating. There he is, strutting through the lobby, post-orgasmic glow, with an actual 10. And she was almost skipping as she walked, looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world.
It blew my mind because when I'd left, Alex was a meek chode who could barely hold a conversation. He had made an impressive transformation, in a very short time. Even better, he was as obsessed with levelling up his dating life as I was.
We then spent the next few months going out 4 times a week, sharing lessons and experiences. By the time I was meant to be heading back to Europe, I was dating multiple girls. Which was another first for me.
I was still far from where I wanted to be. In other words, I was slaying a lot of dragons, but only the occasional princess. Don't judge me, dragons need loving too.
To my surprise, Alex decided he wanted to come with me. The dude quit his lucrative job in the mines to go on debaucherous adventures with an autistic gorilla he'd known less than a year. What a great life decision.
Alex's decision to come travelling was a defining moment in my life.
The next year was a haze of women, weed smoke, and the never-ending search for protein shakes. Myself and Alex had pretty much the same goals. See the world, have the adventure of a lifetime, and most importantly: Master our dating lives.
We spent the next full year going out 7 nights a week, meeting, connecting, and hooking up with beautiful women all around the world. During this period there were many highs and many lows.
Growth truly is compounding, and once you grasp a skill, things begin progressing MUCH faster. It's funny, during this year as I became better with women, I wasn't able to go to the gym. As a result, I lost most of my muscle mass.
It was surreal, watching my results with women improve as the muscles melted off my body. Completely obliterating the remnants of my old conditioning. I was the smallest I'd been since high school. Yet I was doing better with women than I ever thought possible.
During the year we also worked with some of the top dating coaches in the world. Building a deep understanding of the internal belief systems necessary to become attractive, as well as learning advanced social skills. In our obsessive pursuit to become social wizards, we attempted to make the process as scientific as possible. Applying a skill while controlling variables, keeping what worked, discarding what didn't.
"Bringing women into my life had become effortless. It's almost like a switch in my reality had been flicked."
It got to a point near the end of the year, where we became so proficient at cold-approach that we would arrive at a new city. And within a few days, we would be dating high-quality women. All of a sudden women were just pouring into my life. And I was doing a fraction of the work.
I was also dating girls WAY out of my league. No shit, one of the girls I was hooking up with in Barcelona had a professional football player inviting her to travel the world with him. This girl was also a doctor and a professional model. And instead of going on private helicopter rides with professional athletes, there she is, laying in bed with some schlep who approached her at a bar.
The Mission
I can say, without a doubt that mastering my dating life has been the most transformative endeavour I have ever embarked on. Becoming a man my younger self would be proud of. As well as countless amazing memories and connections. The movie was turning out to be a blockbuster.
Sitting on a literal mountain of social interactions, advanced social skills, and an almost psychic understanding of female psychology. We realised the amount of value we had to share with the world.
And subsequently, we set out on the mission that we're currently on today. Creating the most powerful, transformative, and relatable dating and self-development company on the planet. So guys who come from the same place as ourselves can achieve what we have, except in a fraction of the time.
Life is shorter than we would like it to be. The connections we make during this journey tend to be the most fulfilling experiences of our (on average) 78 revolutions we get around the sun. Being able to spend that time with the people we choose to is one of the most rewarding skills we can cultivate.
The journey of learning success with women will net more emotional fortitude and internal growth than any other endeavour on this planet. I can say positively, there is no greater journey of self-development. It has netted me improvements in literally ALL facets of my life. Relationships, health, and wealth.
In the end, the partner we choose is one of the most important decisions we make in our lives. Often dictating the overall happiness of our lives. This is why I'm so damn passionate about sharing what I have learned throughout this journey.
"If I can do it. So can you."
For all those guys who came from a similar place as myself. Toxic mindset. Low self-esteem. Self-hate. Clueless. Hopeless. And socially anxious.
You don't have to stay that way.
Sure, it will take some work. But take it from me, you are more capable than you could ever imagine. You will be surprised by how much you can achieve. Even if it seems like a pipe dream right now. Don't let your potential go to waste.
You're worth more than you know. You're worthy of having the life you've always fantasised about. All you have to do is show up. A brighter future is inevitable.
I thank my old self every day for not giving up, even when I wanted to, so many times. And you will too my friend.
Trust me.
Love you.
Ben.
Ready to write your own story.
Book a free consultation call.
It's not a sales pitch. It's a relaxed conversation about where you are, where you want to be, and whether we're the right people to get you there.
Zero pressure. If we're the right fit, we'll tell you. If we're not, we'll tell you that too.
200+ men. 10+ years. The call is free. The change is permanent.
